PRESTON Blog #1

Hey Laugh Track lovers,

Preston, star of the show, blogging here. Yup, I hear the adoring mews of the fans, but please, hush. I must speak.

It seems there's been a bit of a delay on the release of my next adventure with the annoyingly snarky Jacey and my movie-star-in-the-making, Liam. Issue #2 is a very special very American issue. It's the most American thing I've seen since Mel Gibson, but better because we don't hate Jews... I mean they've got Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen, Judd Apatow. C'mon Mel. But I digress. Our special tribute to the voting system of America will be released on January 20th, in honor of the Presidential Inauguration.

Now hush, little puppies. I know what you're thinking. "Voting? America? How boring! Where is the funniness that Issue #1 promised was coming at us from all angles, like a beast with multiple penises (peni?)?" Ho, I say! Never fear! We've got one Ms. Sarah Palin making a guest appearance in Issue #2, so you know it's going to be funny as something that, in actuality, is pretty sad but you've just gotta laugh anyway.

So yes. To make up for the non-issue of today's non-issue, I'm going to blog about current movies, and why they're either a) a masterpiece of filmgasm or b) the devil. The dude who created me, some shabby schlup named Pat Shand, a tool if I ever met one, might check in to make sure his opinion is heard. He's such an opinionated dick, I mean, you should see what this hack of a writer has in store for me and my crew.

PRESTON'S MOVIE TIDBITS

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
Preston says... Okay. I want to fight Roger Ebert. This hack said "The movie's premise devalues any relationship, makes futile any friendship or romance, and spits, not into the face of destiny, but backward into the maw of time." Wow, Roger. Way to judge the film on your own inability to overcome your own limitations. You know what you need? You need a good ol' b-jay to take the tenseness out of you. Not that I'm offering! Just, you used to be somewhat reliable, but now your rants sound more like the ramblings of a n00b than the seasoned vet you should be. This movie rawks!
*****
(Pat Shand says... Loved this film. 9/10)

MARLEY AND ME
Preston says... Not gonna lie. I wept. Owen Wilson has such a Dumbledore nose.
**** 1/2
(Pat Shand says... Also loved this. 8/10)

REVOLUTIONARY ROAD
Preston says... As a huge fan of Titanic, I feel a bit insulted that these fuckers felt the need to tarnish Jack and Rose with this "What if" film. Rose died a Jackless old woman, she didn't go and live in little boxes on the hillside! C'mon!
**
(Pat Shand says... Didn't see this, but I'm interested. Though Preston isn't far off from how the trailer made me feel, but more in a funny way. Pairing up one of the most famous romantic duo for a role a dramatic as this is pretty funny.)

VALKYRIE
Preston says... Okay, gotta say, it is interesting to see Tom Cruise show his true colors, but damn. Does it really have to be a two-hour movie? This was better when it was a fifteen minute "Scientology is mah fave!" promotional video. Plus, how do you have a title this badass but a film so weak? Abysmal.
-*
(Pat Shand says... No intention of seeing this)

BEDTIME STORIES
Preston says... Adam Sandler is the star, so you know it's going to be a blowout blast of fun. I admit a little fear that this would suck as much as the Zohan flick, which was basically a tribute to Adam's considerable package, but this, being more kid friendly, had limited cock-action. And it was still good!
****
(Pat Shand says... A good friend of mine has a mancrush on Adam Sandler, so I might go see this. I have no opinion on it right now. I just wish it was July so the real Sandler treat, the Judd Apatow "Funny People" starring Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen would be out.)

Preston, signing out! See you, and Palin, on the 20th!